I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
