she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
