You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
