the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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