i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
