You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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