My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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