someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think my mom watched the whole time
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
