I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
