Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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