the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
