My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
