mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
