.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
