when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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