i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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