I think my fart just growled at me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
