Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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