wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
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