It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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