Your mouth is God's brothel.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
