and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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