apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
