If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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