if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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