so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I need moral support for this bender
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
