Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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