haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
