Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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