I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
