my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Houston, we have a blender
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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