He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
