you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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