Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
