How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
