Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
