I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
