I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
