Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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