The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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