I have demons in me.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
