I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize