I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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