Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
