And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
