oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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