Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
