I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
