i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
