my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
