apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
