Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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