I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
