i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I want a musical about memes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
