why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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