Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
