if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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