The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize