The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
