I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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