oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
