I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize